Wednesday, January 25, 2017

xXx: Return of Xander Cage Review

It's not often you get a sequel 11 years after the last movie, especially if that last movie was itself a sequel nobody particularly wanted and that turned out to be absolutely awful. Yet, we have xXx: Return of Xander Cage anyway.

Though I'm sure it was intentional way back when that people might confuse xXx for some kind of porn thing, it was actually just a sort of mishmash between James Bond and the X-games.  When the first xXx movie came out, Extreme Sports had become a pretty big fad, and Hollywood is always looking for something good to cash in on, so they created a movie wherein your typical 00 was just too stuffy and uptight to tango with the hardcore adrenaline junky criminals of the 21st century. So, to combat the new threat, Sam Jackson had to go find somebody a little more edgy.  Enter Vin Diesel, a world-famous anarchistic rebel with a penchant for crazy stunts and fur coats.

That original movie was pretty fun overall, but it really didn't have the legs for a franchise, and despite Diesel refusing to sign on for the sequel, they made one anyway, which in any other universe would have been the end of that, but I guess somebody wrote Vin Diesel a big check because he and his fur coat are back with a bunch of new hip faces for another bite at the apple.  So was xXx worth resurrecting? Well, listen to my review and together we can count all the ways that no, no it was not:



Friday, January 6, 2017

Assassin's Creed Review

Hollywood doesn't exactly have a stellar history when it comes to turning video games into movies, especially thanks to Uwe Boll somehow finding his way in charge a huge chunk of them.  Most of the movies are almost unwatchable, and even the ones that are rarely have much to do with the games on which they are purportedly based.

Despite that, they keep on trying to get a piece of the video game industry juggernaut.  We started 2016 off with a couple of attempts to finally crack that video game movie glass ceiling in the form of Warcraft and The Angry Birds Movie, but Warcraft was "meh" and The Angry Birds Movie was absolute garbage.

Now along comes Assassin's Creed, and surely if a named actor like Michael Fassbender signed on to play the lead, this one has to be good right?  After all you've got a perfect action movie setup: a guy from the future is forced to relive the memories of his ancestor back in the 1400s who was a member of a secret organization of assassins famous for their awesome parkour skills and spring-loaded wrist daggers.

So, did they finally figure out the magic formula for creating a good video game movie? In a word...no.  Or in many words, here's my review: