Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Tonight's Debate Preview

Moderator:  Mr. Trump, can you please fight with Ted Cruz? We would really enjoy that.

Trump: Ted Cruz is kind of a maniac, but that doesn't matter because right now China is ripping us off.  We're getting ripped off by so many people because our leaders are stupid. And when I'm President, I won't be stupid so we will make America great again.

Moderator:  Senator Cruz, would you like to respond to that?

Cruz:  Y'know...Mr. Trump is right that the Obama/Clinton foreign policy has put us at a serious disadvantage around the world, and we need to re-examine how we do business if we are going to compete overseas.

Moderator: Senator Rubio, how would you re-examine Cruz's statement to start a fight?

Rubio: I don't have to re-examine it because my parents came from abroad, so I have one of the greatest American success stories ever.  We can easily have a new American century, but it has to begin with somebody as charming and charismatic as I am.

Fiorina: Can I just jump in here?

Moderator: Go ahead.

Fiorina:  Why is it that even though I am the only female on this stage, I seem to be the only one here with anything resembling testicular fortitude?

Bush:  Hey now, I'll have you know my balls have never been bigger or more swollen than they are right now.  They're huge, really, and uh, I'm ready willing and able to show you just how absolutely enormous my balls are if th-

Kasich:  -if we're going to talk about balls, we should talk about my balls!  I will happily go into excruciating detail about my balls and explain how my balls once single-handedly saved the world.

Moderator: Hang on Governor Kasich, we'll get to you in a minute.

Kasich: But my balls-

Moderator: Just a minute, Governor Kasich, we want to bring in Senator Paul first.  Senator Paul, what do you think about all of that stuff?

Paul: I think Governor Bush's balls wouldn't be so inflated if we didn't let the Federal Reserve manipulate the currency to fund all these illegal wars in the first place.

Christie:  That's bull. Those wars were legal because I AM THE LAW on terrorism.  Not only that, but if we actually listened to the American people, we'd know they really want to bomb something. If I'm President, we're going to do just that.

Moderator:  Dr. Carson, as a medical professional, can you explain Governor Bush's genital issues?

Carson:  Well, there are many possibilities.  Some of them are good and some not.  I think it would help if we stopped fighting with each other and maybe his balls wouldn't need to feel that big in order to get anything done.

Trump:  I think we all know who has the biggest balls here, and it's obviously me.

CrankyTRex Tweeted "Right now Jeb! is kicking himself. He forgot to use 'cojones' so that he'd appeal to the Hispanic vote."

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